Letting go.

When I created this blog, it was my intention to write every week about my running and anything related that came to mind. So why has it been so long since I last wrote? Well, it’s simple. I haven’t been running.

A few weeks ago I started to have stomach problems. Eating – anything – significantly exacerbates the issue, so I’ve been finding it difficult to consume my base calorie needs every day. If I struggle to fuel my sedentary body, how can I possibly fuel my running body? To be honest, I have had such low energy that running has been the last thing on my mind.

That hasn't always been true. For the first week, all I could think about was how many runs I had missed. By week two, I was worked up about how little time I had left before my first race of the season and how my goal to run a sub-30 5k was looking more and more like a pipe-dream. I was allowing myself to create stress about something that is supposed to be my stress relief, the thing I do for me, for fun.

Thankfully, a side effect to being sick – for me, anyway – is that eventually I don’t have the energy to be stressed out anymore. It is when I reach that point that I am able to see the stresses for what they really are, and determine whether it is the issue itself or my perspective that is the cause of my discontent.

What I have realized this week is that while I had built races into my training plan to be fun and motivating short term goals, I had begun to view them as deadlines and this was creating pressure rather than excitement. On some level this is natural and to be expected; in general we work toward specific goals, and some goals have dates. And healthy competition, whether against others or oneself, is a good thing. The key word being “healthy”. It’s when the true purpose of the goals is lost or skewed that this pressure becomes a problem.

When I decided to run a half-marathon, I was sure that I made the decision with healthy intentions. Now, I’m not so sure. I’ve come to realize that having these set dates by which I will need to have attained a certain level of performance is not in my best interest. 

Yes, it does help me remain accountable to myself, which is one of my goals attached to running. It also provides an opportunity to learn how to better combat this tendency to create pressure and stress. Still, when I take a realistic view of my life right now and the amount of time I have to commit to myself, I have to prioritize, and running is what sits at the top of my list.

So the question becomes: How do I run without all of this baggage?

It’s simple really. I am going to let go of running races, and just run. That doesn't mean letting go of training, and I will continue to work toward my half-marathon distance. I'm just going to let go of the timeline and the dates. 

After all, it was running the distance, not the race, that I really set out to do. It just took me some time to realize that.

SD

Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater. Or Something.

Starting over can be really tough. Getting used to less sleep, getting out of bed before my boys have even thought about it, the punch-in-the-face cold walking to our gym, and then of course there are my poor, poor legs. 

Every single run in the first two weeks was hard work and I had sore legs each and every time. Not the kind of sore legs that go away after I warm up. These legs are screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!?” while I huff and puff and tell myself how sorry I am that my choices in the fall have put me back at square one, going through this process all over again.  

Maybe that’s why yesterday happened. But then again, maybe not…Saturday was amazing. 

Saturday. I ran outside on my favorite old trail for the first time since before my ‘break’. The sky was overcast (no bright sun in my eyes), it was cool but not cold (just how I like it), and there were enough people out there to give me that feeling that I am part of the ‘group’; strangers with similar interests doing what I’m doing in the same place. For whatever reason, that really helps boost my stick-at-it-ness. If they can do it, I can too. 

Wednesday’s legs were still fairly achy so that morning I decided to take it easy, giving myself permission to do a little bit less if I needed to. I started off at my usual warm up ‘shuffle’, feeling the aches and stiffness and how tired my whole body seemed to be. It was work. I made it to my halfway point and started to feel some of that relief mixed with a little bit of “look at me go!” And then it happened. The tension in my legs released, the aching stopped and I felt that I could more than handle everything I had planned for myself. Adrenaline kicked in and not only did I complete my goal, I managed to push beyond it ever so slightly. That’s not something I usually do but I just couldn’t help myself. Adrenaline is a strong-willed beast and that feeling is what I run for. 

My body is amazing, look at what it can do.

 

After that run, I couldn’t wait for it to be Monday morning so I could get up and do it again. But Monday morning was not on board. I hadn’t slept all that well, but frankly that is a piss poor excuse. My alarm went off at 4:30 a.m. (I build in 30 minutes of snooze time) but by 5:00 I was no closer to getting out of bed, and by 5:15 it was too late. I told myself I’d bring my gear to work and run at lunch, and then I went back to sleep. 

It is never a good idea to trust my 5:15 brain. When I finally rolled out of bed I realized that there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to run at work, because Sunday was a coworker’s birthday and sometimes we go out for lunch to celebrate. So I unpacked my gear and went to work, and that was the end of my Monday run.

Does running on Tuesday instead of Monday negatively affect my training? At this stage, not in the least. In fact, one could argue that it helped by giving my legs an extra day of recovery after the longer run on Saturday, and I’m actually thinking it might be better this way. 

Still, I felt like I had cheated. When I realized a lunch run was unlikely, I felt like I had let myself down. There was no reason at all not to get out of bed that morning, I just didn’t want to. Well, I usually don’t want to! The alarm goes off, I hit snooze for a while, I reflect on how warm and comfy I am, and then I get up, pee, dress myself and go for a run. This is MY goal, it is for MY benefit and the person who is affected when I don’t get out of bed is ME. 

You might be thinking that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I do appreciate that we are all human, none of us is perfect and pushing a run from one day to the next isn’t really that big of a deal. I used to do it all the time when something would come up and I’d need a change in schedule. The difference this time is that I didn’t plan this for any reason. I was feeling lazy and I didn’t get up, and that is not how I want to represent myself.

The bright side is that I felt like a jackass all day, which is one of those hard-felt lesson learned type situations I do not plan to repeat. 

And you know what? That extra day of recovery really did help me. From start to finish, when I ran this morning, my legs were not sore. They felt great! I felt great! 

Do you know what that means? 

I’m getting there.

SD

For a girl who hates running, I sure love to run.

Growing up, I would only run if I were chasing or being chased by something, usually a horse. Outside of cars, my preferred mode of transportation was on the back of said horse. Or I would walk. Maybe. Phys Ed class was little more than an opportunity to practice deep, guttural moaning sounds with some huffing and puffing thrown in here and there. Don't get me wrong, I was always in great shape. Growing up a farm child with lazy parents has a way of doing that. 

But running? Nope. No thanks. Ugh.

Fast forward to August 2011: R and I decided it was time to kiss our hard-earned insulation goodbye. And in a momentary lapse of all things good sense, I decided to try a couch to 5k running program. I bought some pretty Nike's and hit the treadmill. Warm up walk for 5 minutes. Okay, done. Easy. I can do this. Jog 60 seconds, then walk 90 seconds, and repeat 9 times. Sounds easy enough, right? Good grief. 60 seconds may as well have been 60 minutes. Repeat 9 times??! Huff, puff, huff, puff.

I started the program five times. The first four times I made it to week 3, day 1: 

Jog 3 minutes

Walk 2 minutes

Jog 90 seconds

Walk 2 minutes

Repeat twice.

And then I'd magically start feeling a bug coming on, or my foot would hurt, or I'd be too tired. I'd just take a little break. Just put off one run for a day. Or maybe two. Before I knew it, a week or four had gone by and I'd be feeling like crap for taking such a long break (quitting), and I'd start again. Because hey, that number on the scale isn't going to change itself, and after a while, diet alone can only do so much. 

The fifth time I started the program was in January 2012 (what is it about January?) and this time it stuck.

I had lost a bunch of weight and was feeling pretty good, and I think that was the first key to my success. My brain stopped focusing so much on the numbers on the scale. Don't get me wrong, I was still counting calories in and calories burned, I just lightened up a little bit and shifted focus from the scale to just wanting to finish that stupid couch to 5k. 

In April 2012, I ran my first race. I hadn't finished the program yet due to a calf strain a few weeks earlier, but I was registered and I ran it, 5km in 31 minutes, 45 seconds. 

31:45:35.

And that was it. I was hooked. The adrenaline, the "I did it", the falling over about 12 seconds after crossing the finish line because I had pushed the last 100 yards as fast as I could. Ah-mazing. Again! I need to do this again!

Earlier that spring I had reconnected with a friend who is an incredibly inspiring and accomplished runner, and also happened to be completing her holistic nutritionist certification and starting a business to offer running and nutrition (for running) coaching, called Eat 2 Run. Immediately after finishing my first race, she started to coach me as a trial client. Sarah's coaching was the second key to my success. Between the training plan and nutrition recommendations, I learned how to safely challenge myself on the trail and how to support and maintain my healthy body. I think the most important thing she did for me was to suggest that I could move beyond run/walk and actually run 20 minutes straight, then 30, then 50, without falling over 12 seconds after crossing the finish line.

This was the turning point for me. Running became part of my life, part of me. And I realized that I was actually enjoying it. Enjoying running. 

As the fall approached and R and I both found ourselves trying to balance working full time and going to school while also raising our toddler, I stopped prioritizing my runs. And then, I stopped running. September long weekend my bestie and I went for a great run, and the next time I put on my shoes was last week. 

I know that all of the challenges of our *very* challenging fall would have been much easier to handle had I kept running. Not just for fitness and to keep at bay the 20 lbs I put back on, but - and more importantly - to keep my stress down and my confidence in my own strength up. 

Thankfully, the magical powers of January have reached out to me, and I've been feeling energized, motivated and ready to take back my running. I laced up last week and surprisingly felt really good after 4 months off. 

I am a runner who likes to race, not against people, but with people and for myself. It's not really about race times, it's about setting a goal and training toward it, and then reaching that goal. The races also help me be accountable to myself. I register for a race, which costs me money. I make a training plan, which takes an investment of time and research and energy. And then I tell people about my goal so it's out there and I will be asked about it, and if I don't complete it I'll have to explain why.

That's what this blog is about. 

I have a goal for 2013: to run a half-marathon. August 10, 2013.

I'm not romanticizing this goal at all. It will mean a lot of work coming up with a training plan, building in smaller race goals along the way. It will mean getting up in the wee hours of the morning to run before work, it will mean giving up some of the small amount of spare time I have. It will take an immense commitment not only from me but also from R, whose support I will need functionally and emotionally. It will mean running in miserable weather, running when I'm tired, running when I just don't feel like it. 

But it will also mean energy, fitness, accomplishment and confidence, and most importantly, I will enjoy it. Most of the time. 

Accountability to myself, when I'm the only one who will experience consequences, is something I tend to hit hard in the beginning and struggle to maintain as time goes on. Sarah blogged about her experience training to run a Boston qualifying time in the Vancouver Marathon last year, and her blog is what inspired me to write this one. I'm hoping that by writing about my journey and posting my blog where people I know might read it, I will achieve better accountability to myself. And I am really looking forward to sitting down after I've crossed the finish line to read about how I felt along the way. 

Here's to August 10, 2013.

SD