Letting go.

When I created this blog, it was my intention to write every week about my running and anything related that came to mind. So why has it been so long since I last wrote? Well, it’s simple. I haven’t been running.

A few weeks ago I started to have stomach problems. Eating – anything – significantly exacerbates the issue, so I’ve been finding it difficult to consume my base calorie needs every day. If I struggle to fuel my sedentary body, how can I possibly fuel my running body? To be honest, I have had such low energy that running has been the last thing on my mind.

That hasn't always been true. For the first week, all I could think about was how many runs I had missed. By week two, I was worked up about how little time I had left before my first race of the season and how my goal to run a sub-30 5k was looking more and more like a pipe-dream. I was allowing myself to create stress about something that is supposed to be my stress relief, the thing I do for me, for fun.

Thankfully, a side effect to being sick – for me, anyway – is that eventually I don’t have the energy to be stressed out anymore. It is when I reach that point that I am able to see the stresses for what they really are, and determine whether it is the issue itself or my perspective that is the cause of my discontent.

What I have realized this week is that while I had built races into my training plan to be fun and motivating short term goals, I had begun to view them as deadlines and this was creating pressure rather than excitement. On some level this is natural and to be expected; in general we work toward specific goals, and some goals have dates. And healthy competition, whether against others or oneself, is a good thing. The key word being “healthy”. It’s when the true purpose of the goals is lost or skewed that this pressure becomes a problem.

When I decided to run a half-marathon, I was sure that I made the decision with healthy intentions. Now, I’m not so sure. I’ve come to realize that having these set dates by which I will need to have attained a certain level of performance is not in my best interest. 

Yes, it does help me remain accountable to myself, which is one of my goals attached to running. It also provides an opportunity to learn how to better combat this tendency to create pressure and stress. Still, when I take a realistic view of my life right now and the amount of time I have to commit to myself, I have to prioritize, and running is what sits at the top of my list.

So the question becomes: How do I run without all of this baggage?

It’s simple really. I am going to let go of running races, and just run. That doesn't mean letting go of training, and I will continue to work toward my half-marathon distance. I'm just going to let go of the timeline and the dates. 

After all, it was running the distance, not the race, that I really set out to do. It just took me some time to realize that.

SD